I’m writing this to you out of love, not fear. I wanted to go over a few things with you before you embark on this weekend alone… with the others.
Nighttime, daytime, breakfast time, and somewhere around lunchtime can easily be mistaken for pure H*LL, with Satan coming off as a My Little Pony in comparison.
First thing’s first…
Upon arriving home after work, things won’t seem so bad. The others will hug, jump, and for the most part, be pretty excited to see you. This will be short lived… I promise.
School season or not… this is also known as h*ll hour. The others will fight about anything and everything, with Quinn and Penny being the biggest instigators.
It’s most likely that Quinn will be pissed off about Penny wearing her Elsa dress, and Penny equally pissed off because Quinn will ONLY refer to her as Anna. Penny will also be fighting sleep, which I’ll get to later.”
“Dinner will suck. Bailey will want pizza, while Harper will ask for hot dogs.
Quinn will cry when you say the word hot dog and will insist on mac [and] cheese (but not the orange kind or the white kind, but the purple kind). We’ll be fresh out of the purple kind, so she’ll then ask for toast.
You’ll already have started making mac [and] cheese for Penny, but since she heard Quinn ask for toast, she’ll also want that toast. You’ll end up tossing the mac [and] cheese because Bailey got the stomach flu [five] years ago after eating the orange kind, and Harper prefers the white kind.
“You’ll also forget about Harper because her friend Lily “unexpectedly” stopped by, so they went ripsticking down the street. Everyone will eat cereal for dinner, and Lily will come inside for a[Band-Aid].
You’ll want to sit down and relax after dinner/breakfast, but I’m warning you against this. It will get quiet… REAL quiet.
This is when you’ll realize that the threenager has fallen asleep somewhere. Do NOT let the threenager fall asleep. You’re basically f**ked if this happens.
She will be wide awake until at least 1:30 a.m. if you’re not careful. Given your 9:30 bedtime and 5 a.m. wake up, this is less than ideal.”
Pajamas. F**K pajamas. Don’t even ATTEMPT anything but a nightgown for Penny. And if you cannot find a nightgown for Penny, keep f**king looking.
She’ll ask for her Minnie Mouse nightgown, but once you put it on, she’ll scream in agony…Just find her Elsa one. Chances are, it’s dirty as s**t, but so what… So is she. I can’t remember the last time I put soap to that one.
Go ahead and leave Penny on the couch with you. God knows you let her a** fall asleep somewhere prior. Quinn, Harper, and Bailey will go down seamlessly. Just wait.
As they lie in their beds, they’ll then realize that their tiny mouths are on God d**ned fire, and they’ll act as if they’ve just walked 800 f**king miles through the Sahara. They will come down… one by one… every God d**ned 5 minutes… for water.
Don’t let ANYONE use Quinn’s pink Elsa cup. If she sees this, she will lose her holy s**t.”
“You’ll end up bringing Penny to bed with you, thinking that’s a good idea. Ha ha ha ha ha! You may as well sleep next to Evander Holyfield on uppers.
Just try getting her into her bed. Give her the iPad. This will save your life… Promise.
Make sure you turn the volume down, along with the screen brightness. Speaking of brightness, don’t forget the diffuser.
Fill that s**t up, and add [two] drops of Peace and calming, one lavender, and one stress away. If she was a real d**k that day, add some frankincense. Set the light to PURPLE. Sweet baby Jesus, please remember purple.
If you set it to blue, she will act as if her retinas are on the God d**ned sun. Don’t forget her sippy cup. Seriously… DON’T. She’ll drink some, and then ask you to take it. She’ll want you to place it on her dresser.
She’ll call you in [five] minutes later for the rest. She’ll call you in AGAIN to put that s**t back on the dresser. She’ll then… wake up at 3 a.m. screaming that someone has stolen said sippy cup. Just fill that s**t back up, and pray to Peter and Mary that she falls back asleep. Oh, and don’t forget her fan…”
“Oh, also… Just incase you wanted to get ANYTHING done this weekend… good f**king luck. Quinn cries basically every [five] minutes, and you would think that Penny’s esophagus was on certain fire every [four-and-a-half] seconds.
She’ll need constant refills, which leads to more potty breaks. Sometimes, she can go by herself, and sometimes, she’s completely useless and will whine about everything.
Including, but not limited to, her underwears feeling funny. Have backup underwears.
Oh, and since you made me get rid of most every sippy cup, leaving me with [two]… she’ll lose those. Good f**king luck finding them.
Pippa Branham and her husband moved to their first permanent home just last year, which meant it was finally time for Pippa to personalize their home. Her first target was the staircase.
Pippa wanted to make the stairs safer for children, so she thought carpeting the stairs (£200) would be a good idea. That was until she stumbled upon a DIY picture on Pinterest… Inspired by it, she decided to decorate the stairs with the covers of her favorite books. She made a list of her fave books, found the original copies that she read for the first time, and got to work! The result is not only amazingly good looking, but also safe for kids, as she mixed the paint with children’s play sand to make it grippy, and not to mention £180 cheaper than her original idea to carpet the stairs!
So you’ve published your book. Its been edited and published, and now you’re trying to figure out how to get to your potential readers. While starting your marketing campaign usually happens well before your book is completed, getting your first reviews can’t begin until your book is done or in a final draft status.
Many stores won’t carry a small press or self-published book that doesn’t have reviews from a recognizable publishing. So how do you get someone to pay attention to your book among all of the hundreds, if not thousands, of submissions they see every month?
City Book Review, publishers of the San Francisco Book Review, Manhattan Book Review and Kids’ BookBuzz all have programs to help you. Kids BookBuzz is only for kids, tweens and young adult books, but the other two will take almost any book you have (including children’s stories).
So how do you get your book reviewed by the San Francisco Book Review?
If your book is within 90 days of the publications date, you can submit it for general review (at no cost). The closer you are to the 90 days, the less of a chance it will have to be reviewed, but you can still start there. The SFBR gets more than 1000 submissions a month, and only reviews 300 or less, so your opportunities of getting your book reviewed in this way is less than 33%. But you can give it a try and see if it gets reviewed.
If your book is more than 90 days past its publication date, or you really want to have it reviewed and don’t want to just hope it’ll get picked up through the general review, you can go through the Sponsored Review program. While there is some controversy about paying for a review, SFBR is a respected publication like Kirkus or Foreward Reviews and doesn’t offer vanity reviews for payment. You can expect the same level of professionalism from their standard reviews. And they don’t mark sponsored reviews any different than the other reviews.
Get My Book Reviewed from the San Francisco Book Review
There are a lot of different options for getting your book reviewed, mostly around how long it takes to get your review back, and if you want more than one or an interview as well.
Standard Reviews Take 8-10 weeks for turnaround from the time they receive your book Start at
Expedited Reviews Take 3-5 weeks for turnaround from the time they receive your book Start at
Get more than one review for the same book you’ll get a discount on the normal cost of 2 or 3 reviews. Reviews range in price from $150 to $299.
Getting a podcast interview for Audible Authors to promote yourself and your book, and you can add an interview to a review package at a discount.
And if you really like your review, you can have it posted on the other publication’s website for $99, or get a new review from a different reviewer. Both can help with your marketing and search engine optimization.
So how do you get your book reviewed by the Manhattan Book Review?
The Manhattan Book Review uses the same format for the San Francisco Book Review. Different audience, so if you’re an East Coast writer, you might be more interested in having the credit from MBR over SFBR. Personal taste is the only difference between the two for reviews. If you are a local SF or Manhattan writer, they will also flag that in your review.
So how do you get your book reviewed by Kids’ BookBuzz?
First thing, all of the reviews for Kids’ BookBuzz are done by kids. They are assigned age appropriate books, but the kids read them and write the reviews themselves. The younger kids have some help from their parents, but the words are all theirs. Don’t expect any easy reviews either. These kids see a lot of stories, so they know good books when they read them.
Although some people claim that they can read anywhere, anytime, we all know that a comfortable, well lit, soft spot is ideal. On a blanket in a park is one such perfect spot; on dry, spongy moss, under a tree, is another good location. But what happens if you’re a city dweller (or not even!), and outdoor reading spots are at a premium?
Bored Panda has collected this list of reading nooks for you, those indoor bookworms that maybe like to read outside, but who also need a comfortable place inside to get the pages turning. Which reading nook looks most comfortable to you? Vote, or submit a picture of your own reading nook below! (h/t)